Self-Validation: A DBT Skill for Emotional Regulation and Self-Compassion

Written By Z. Hamilton Avery

Self-validation is the practice of acknowledging your own feelings, thoughts, needs, and experiences without immediately judging, dismissing, or arguing with them. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), validation means recognizing that a feeling, reaction, or need makes sense in some way (even when change, accountability, or problem-solving may still be needed). Peer-reviewed research suggests that validating responses can reduce emotional reactivity and support more balanced emotional experiences while invalidating responses can intensify distress, shame, anger, and dysregulation (Benitez et al., 2019; 2022; Kuo et al., 2022; Shenk & Fruzzetti, 2011). Self-validation is not the same as agreeing with every thought, approving of harmful behavior, or pretending something is okay when it is not. It means making room for your experience without getting stuck in it so that you can validate the emotion, name the need, and still move toward safety, boundaries, support, accountability, or a wise next step. Examples of self-validation statements include:

  • This feeling makes sense given what I have been carrying.

  • My reaction may be intense, but it did not come from nowhere.

  • It is understandable that this would affect me.

  • There is a reason this feels important.

  • My emotions are giving me information.

  • Feeling this way does not make me weak, dramatic, or too much.

  • I can acknowledge this feeling without agreeing with every thought attached to it.

  • This hurts because something matters to me.

  • This response makes sense in the context of my history, stress, values, and needs.

  • I do not have to punish myself for having a human reaction.

You do not have to believe a self-validation statement perfectly for it to be useful. Choose one that feels honest enough, repeat it slowly, and notice whether it helps you soften judgment, name what matters, or choose your next step.

Caution

Self-validation may not be the best fit when it turns into excusing harmful behavior, avoiding accountability, reinforcing distorted beliefs, or staying in an unsafe situation. Validate the emotion, not necessarily the conclusion or behavior. If self-validation increases shame, dissociation, harmful urges, or confusion about what is safe or true, practice a grounding technique and seek support from a trusted person or trained professional.

References

Benitez, C., Howard, K. P., & Cheavens, J. S. (2022). The effect of validation and invalidation on positive and negative affective experiences. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 17(1), 46-58. https://doi.org/10.1080/17439760.2020.1832243

Benitez, C., Southward, M. W., Altenburger, E. M., Howard, K. P., & Cheavens, J. S. (2019). The within-person effects of validation and invalidation on in-session changes in affect. Personality Disorders: Theory, Research, and Treatment, 10(5), 406-414. https://doi.org/10.1037/per0000329

Kuo, J. R., Fitzpatrick, S., Ip, J., & Uliaszek, A. A. (2022). The who and what of validation: An experimental examination of validation and invalidation of specific emotions and the moderating effect of emotion dysregulation. Borderline Personality Disorder and Emotion Dysregulation, 9. https://doi.org/10.1186/s40479-022-00185-x

Shenk, C. E., & Fruzzetti, A. E. (2011). The impact of validating and invalidating responses on emotional reactivity. Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, 30(2), 163-183. https://doi.org/10.1521/jscp.2011.30.2.163

Z. Hamilton Avery

Z. Hamilton Avery, LCSW, BC-TMH, CMT, CYT-1,000, TIYT (he/they) is a queer and non-binary therapist, health educator, wellness coach, body and energy worker, yoga and meditation teacher, and abstract artist in Tulsa, Oklahoma. In addition to having obtained over a dozen certifications in various modalities of complementary and alternative medicine (CAM), Z holds an associate’s degree in pre-nursing studies, a bachelor’s degree in psychology, and a master’s degree in social work. When supporting clients and students, Z takes a humanistic, person-centered, strengths-based, trauma-informed approach. Their practice is grounded in compassion, harm reduction, inclusivity, social justice, and evidence-based interventions. Ultimately, Z’s mission is to provide a safe and non-judgmental space for adolescents (13+) and adults who are navigating challenges such as anxiety, depression, trauma, addiction, pain, and chronic illness; he does this by offering sessions, classes, groups, workshops, retreats, and trainings.

Understanding that mental health is interconnected with many other facets of life, Z takes a holistic approach to therapy. Knowing that there is no one-size-fits-all treatment, he strives to honor the uniqueness of each client by custom-tailoring his approach to best meet the needs, preferences, and goals of each individual. For this reason, Z believes that it is imperative to be cross-trained in many different treatment approaches. As a therapist, they utilize a variety of evidence-based practices, including motivational interviewing (MI), cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR), and written exposure therapy (WET). As a body and energy worker, Z is certified to practice massage therapy, Thai yoga massage, myofascial release, craniosacral therapy, and reiki. They are also certified in both Chinese and Japanese styles of acupuncture. After completing more than 1,000 hours of accredited yoga teacher training (primarily in India), Z is certified to teach various styles of yoga, including Hatha, Kundalini, yin, and restorative. He also researches and writes about topics including stress, trauma, self-care, mindfulness, self-compassion, holistic health and well-being, CAM, HIV/AIDS, and issues related to the Two-Spirit, lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, intersex, agender, plus (2SLGBTQIA+) community.

https://www.therapywithz.com
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